A man thanks God he's not sexually attracted to children, the nation's women aren't as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around. It's the week of August 13th, 2012. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion